Bila seseorang telah meletakkan kepercayaan sepenuhnya kepada  kita; baik dari segi apa pun juga, ia juga bermakna mereka meyakini kemampuan kita untuk memegang amanah itu.  

Namun, jika sekali saja kepercayaan itu dikhianati, jangan pernah berharap tahap kepercayaan yang sama akan diberikan kepada kita buat kali yang keduanya.

Begitu jugalah yang aku rasakan pada saat ini.

Aku telah diamanahkan untuk menceritakan perjalanan hidup seorang insan yang sama sekali tidak aku kenali secara peribadi. Aku sekadar mengenali dia sebagai sosok seorang penggubah lagu. Tidak lebih dari itu.

Biarpun demikian, telah diceritakan kepada ku sejarah hidupnya yang aku kira adalah rahsia peribadinya.

Dan telah dia meletakkan harapan tinggi pada aku agar aku dapat menyampaikan isi hatinya yang terbuku dalam karya yang bakal aku lahirkan nanti.

Lantas, harapan dan kepercayaan ini lah yang membuat aku merasa cemas seandainya aku tidak dapat melaksanakan apa yang diinginkan dengan sempurna dan tepat.

Walaupun aku tak punya pengalaman dalam bidang penulisan, aku yang dipilih untuk diberikan peluang berkarya untuknya. Bertuah rasanya. Alhamdulillah.

Katanya, “I believe in giving chances. Saya tak cuba,saya tak tahu. Mungkin ini permulaan yang baik untuk awak mula menulis.”

Semoga saja dia akan gemar dan berpuas hati dengan hasil percubaan pertama aku nanti dan semoga saja aku dapat menafsirkan dengan tepat isi hatinya yang tak dapat diluahkan dalam bentuk kata-kata.

Takkan aku sia-siakan kepercayaan dan peluang yang telah diberikan, Mr Composer. Insyaallah.  ;)

Its so hard to get over Hwa Chong. It was my best experience ever. But I’ve since managed to move on and let it go.

 

I’m now undergoing apprenticeship in collaboration with Singapore Media Academy, a subsidiary of Mediacorp, working for a magazine. Its gonna be a totally new experience for me working in the media sector. But with the love and passion that I have for this industry, Insyaallah I’ll be able to make it through. This is gonna be a really good platform for me to embark on a career in the media sector.

 

With this, I hope I would be able to discover my hidden talents and at the same time exhibit the ones I already have.

 

Speaking of talents and fortune, betul sungguh kata-kata ini  Rezeki itu ada dimana-mana.

 

A famous local composer recently added me up on Facebook, we chatted a bit, and he expressed his interest in wanting me to provide him the lyrics for 2 of his tracks. Of course, I was flabergasted. I mean, I have never imagined I would actually be able to write a song. What more with a composer which I have always adored for he has always stuck to his roots.

 

Of course I wondered, why me?

 

Said he saw my few poems posted on FB and he liked my work. Alhamdulillah. He has sent me the 2 tracks, I’m left with writing the lyrics for the songs. Hopefully all will go well, Insyaallah. ;)

 

Writing and singing are 2 completely different things. I’m fully aware of it. Well, honestly, I’ve always been more interested in the latter. I just love singing, but have never got the chance to live that dream of being a singer. I ain’t got the courage and motivation, perhaps. Heh. ;)

 

Back from Negeri Sembilan, visited Roszaini at his place. Really loved it there. So calm. So tranquil. Stress-free. We did some duets and he seemed to like it. Heh. ;) He said he’s gonna have a duet here in Singapore soon, and said maybe I could be his partner. The songs are gonna be oldies tho. Well. Takde lama, takde yang baru kan?

 

Wah. Boleh kita jadi pasangan duet A Ramlie dan Maria Bachok yang baru. Hahahahah. ;) Berangan je lah Ain.

 

Sungguh aku kalau boleh nak pergi rumah dia lagi. Best sungguh kat sana. Macam takde masalah. Tenang je. His mum cried as we left his kampong. ;( And she hugged and kissed me a few times. As if she don’t wanna let go. Haiz… -_____-

 

Roszaini’s coming to Singapore again on 20 Jan and I so can’t wait. I wanna be his personal stylist. I wanna change his image, his hairstyle, his fashion, everything. I’ve already listed down where I wanna bring him to, what I want to do with him. Hehehe. ;)

 

Btw… I’ve now got a permanent new nickname and its Puspawangi. How’s that sound?

 

I don’t care what people say. Kampongan lah, obit lah, kental lah. I don’t care. It sounds really good to me and I loved it. ;)

 

Ok. Wish me luck on my new career and more to come.

 

Will update soon on my 2010 resolutions, wants and goals. ;)

 

Setiap kali aku berkawan dengan seseorang, ada saja yang membangkang. Ada saja yang tak kena. Aku boleh terima kalau mereka tak suka lelaki itu kerana perangai nya yang kurang baik. Tapi aku agak kecewa kalau aku tak dibenarkan berkawan dengan dia hanya kerana  dia punya sejarah dengan seseorang yang berkaitan dengan aku.

 

Sampai sekarang, aku rasa bersalah sebab aku terus diam membatu, hilangkan diri dari dia dengan tak memberi sebab atau alasan apa pun. Tiap-tiap hari dia hantar aku SMS. Tapi,tak satu pun aku balas. Makin hari makin aku rasa kesian pada dia kerana aku rasa aku tak berlaku adil. Hanya kerana macam2 yang dikatakan orang-orang yang terdekat dengan aku, hanya kerana mereka tak menyukai aku berkawan dengan dia, aku undurkan diri. Tak patot betul aku ni.

 

Hari-hari aku fikir. Sampai bila aku mesti macam ni. Sampai bila aku nak biarkan orang tentukan haluan hidup aku. Aku nak jugak rasa kebebasan untuk memilih siapa yang aku inginkan menjadi teman hidup aku. Tapi sejauh ini, selama ini, yang aku lakukan hanyalah akur kepada kehendak dan pendapat orang-orang yang tersayang.Yang mereka katakan tidak baik, itulah yang aku jauhi. Meskipun jauh di sudut hati aku tahu yang dia lebih baik dari yang mereka sangkakan.

 

Aku hanya seorang. Aku tak mampu nak membidas dan melawan begitu ramai nya yang menentang.

 

Dan setiap kali itu, hati aku yang terluka. Tapi sepertinya tak ada siapa yang peduli. Aku tahu mereka inginkan yang terbaik buat aku. Tetapi sekurang-kurangnya, berikanlah aku peluang dan kebebsan untuk memilih jodoh aku sendiri.

 

Kerana terlalu mendengar kata orang, sampai sekarang ni, aku masih lagi sendiri. Mereka ni tahu tak yang aku sunyi? I can be surrounded by a sea of people and still feel all alone.

 

Yang cuba aku sampaikan pada mereka yang tersayang adalah jodoh tak selalunya mesti tepat pada ciri-ciri yang telah ditetapkan. Aku boleh menetapkan 1001 ciri lelaki idaman yang ingin aku jadikan teman hidup. Namun, aku juga sedia terima andainya yang sebaliknya yang menjadi jodoh aku. Opposites attract.

 

Susah ke aku untuk dimengertikan?

 

Anyway, suara yang satu lagi ni pulak asyik terngiang-ngiang di telinga. Dia bukan lelaki idaman aku. But there’s something about him. Dah kenapa dengan aku ni? Isk…

 

Merdunya suara dia. Sungguh boleh jadi penawar. Dan sampai sekarang aku terfikir-fikir. Tentang dia dan aku…

 

Inginku nyatakan, ingin ku jelaskan.

Rahsia terkandung di hatiku.

Tapi silu menyatakan.

Aku terpikat padamu, aku sayang padamu.

Janganlah kau terpegun,bila mendengar bisikan ku.

Jika sudi balaskan sahaja.

Cinta mesra yang ku ucapkan.

Semoga dapat bersama antara kita berdua.

Aku terpikat padamu, aku sayang padamu.

Janganlah kau terpegun, bila mendengar bisikan ku.

I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t know what to make of my current feeling. I have no idea what’s going on. I’m just so blur about everything. And as much as I want to vent my frustration, I don’t know how.

 

It seems like every single thing that could make me happy would only last for a short period. What follows after that will be never ending misery, agony, anxiety, disappointment, sadness, hurt, and every other word associated with these vocabulary family.

 

Just when things start to fall into place one by one, it will fall apart again the next minute. And just when I thought I did great, I won and achieved something, I lost it again. Good things just couldn’t last for me, can it? One by one, they’re taken away from me.

 

And for all of these, I’ve never ever showed how affected I was. And I most probably never will. I just don’t know how to.

 

My life has been written to be this way, and I feel helpless. I can do nothing about it. I can only accept it and pray for the best for my future.

 

I wish I’ve never met him. I wish I never knew he had a history with someone related to me. I wish I’ve never fallen for him. I wish I didn’t go out on a date with him. I wish I’ve never talked to him. I wish I didn’t know anything about him. I wish.

 

Coz everything’s so confusing, its bothering me all the time. Day and night. Asleep or awake. He haunts me every single time.

 

After so many years of being stuck with the image of a person named H, I finally gathered the courage to move on with my life. For the first time in so many years, I’m actually going out on a real date with someone new. It feels so surreal, I can’t believe I’m doing it.

 

Everything about the date was perfect. The long conversation we had over the dinner, the menu, the venue, the walk, the bike ride. Everything just felt so beautiful.

 

When he looked me in the eye, and tell me, “You look really sweet today”, I swear I wanna melt right away.  
When he caught my hand as I tripped on my heels, I just never wanna let it go.

When he asked me when I’m gonna have my next boyfriend, I just smiled. I just hope he understands.

When he kept staring at me. When he spared me a lollipop after the meal. When we rode on the bike. When he calls me Gadis Melayu Terakhir. When he complimented on my gestures. All these just keep lingering in my mind and keep playing in my ears. I can literally hear his voice and picture his image all around.

 

Yes, I think I’m going crazy. I’m definitely2 losing the appetite to eat,  I can’t sleep without him appearing in my dreams, day and night I think about him, and this burning anxiety of waiting for his call or text.

But I’ve gotta keep all these feelings inside of me. I can’t let it out and make it known to him. Am afraid. I don’t want history to repeat itself. Shall take things slow and follow the flow. See how things goes. And I don’t even know if I could even be with him. I could already predict signs of unhappy things getting in our way.

 

I could only hope for the best.

 

HOPE. Yes. Its my only remedy for cure now.

 

 

 

Aku suka orang lain, tapi orang lain pulak yang tunjukkan minat pada aku. Macam mane ni?

 

Z and A are 2 completely different individuals. They both have different personalities, can’t derive anything common between the 2 of them other than their physique. Hehe.  ;)

 

Well... yah. Both of ‘em are tall and statuesque.

 

Let’s talk about Z now. This guy is playing the same game as me: Hard-to-get.

 

Oh well.... I should be playing it, coz I don’t want him to have the impression that I’m chasing after him or worst, desperate for him. Like aku terhegeh-hegeh. Oh! Puhleese!

This guy is so unpredictable. One minute he shows real interest, one minute he gives me the ‘bo chap’ attitude, like he don’t bother. I just don’t understand!

To think that he was the one who initiated everything. The phone calls, the chats, the meet ups, etc etc.... What the heck is he thinking? Bila aku lari, dia kejar. Bila dia lari, aku kejar. Bila nak abis ni mcm? Bila nak game? Sungguh memeningkan kepala ku.

 

Now, let’s move on to A.

 

No doubt, i don’t know him as long as I know Z. But doesn’t mean knowing someone for a long time guarantees that you know abt the person inside out, rite?

 

So yah. Right from the very beginning, the first time I met him, I already sensed something. This goes back to my previous entry titled: “Secret Admirer”. This is the same guy I’m talking ‘bout.

 

And my instinct is well supported hokay. What with the many phonecalls, the frequent sms-es, and date tonite. Hehehe.  ;) This guy shows obvious interest. But again, it takes two hands to clap. I don’t know if i liked him. I mean... maybe the feeling has not developed as yet.

 

Haiz... I’m still rooting for Z. But I really don’t know what fate has in store for me. ;(

There’s really something about the way he looked at me.

The way he talked to me. The way he responded to me.

His body language.

The way he makes an obvious effort to move from one place to another just to catch a clear view of me.

The way he stunts at every opportunity to stand or sit closer to me.

The way he made himself noticeable.

The way he tried to attract my attention.

The way he tries to sound more friendly towards me.

The way he smiled at me.

The way he turned to look at me everytime I walk or move.

The way he tries to be helpful at every chance.

 

Everything just spells something which I couldn’t really find the perfect word to fit.

 

I don’t know what it is. But I just have a funny feeling.

 

And no, this is not about Mr Z. Not at all. It’s a totally different person. Not even sure if the other one knew about the other’s existence.

 

Its definitely too early for me to conclude anything here since I’ve just known him.

 

He is a charmer, no doubt. I gotta admit that. But I wasn’t really attracted to him. I still am rooting for Mr Z. LoL!

 

I think he likes me. Could it be it? Hmmm….

*Blows dust* Poof!! Its gettin' really dusty in here. Its been over 2 months since I last updated my blog post and revamped its layout. Gosh! Have never abandoned my bloggie this long.

This is gonna be a real come back and I promise you Bloggie dear that I won't neglect you ever again. I am back for good! Yay!!

Lotsa things have happened and changed. The one I used to call My Only One has found his love of a lifetime now and I assume has never been happier with his life. I think he's doing pretty fine with her and I am oh-so-not regretting whatever that has happened. I know its not my fault. Full stop. I am leading my life happier than ever before. Alhamdulillah!

Another girl addition to my family has been born on 7 October 2009. Farra Najwa's her name. Love all my nephews and nieces and can't wait for the arrival of more of 'em. ; )

And me... I really think I'm falling in love again. *blush*blush*

Ok. So the story goes like this. Just last Tuesday I was talking to Mr K on Facebook. Just something random. Coz we were commenting on each other's wall post and suddenly he text me something like,"Have we ever chat before? I only know who you are but I dun think we ever talked." Hahah.

Yeah. It was funny. We were from the same secondary school, him being my senior, but I couldn't actually recall who he was and we have never talked to each other when we were in school. Well, he insists that he knows who I am. Thats weird. LoL!

So anyway, we talked on FB like we have been doing it for years, when matter of fact is, thats our first time. LoL! So we were talking and talking and somehow, Mr Z’s name popped out. Coz he mentioned it first.

He said something like, "Mr Z was your boyfriend in school kan?"

And I was like,”You even know that?”

And bla bla bla… The rest of the conversations was all about me and Mr Z. You see, Mr K is attached to Mr Z’s sister, who is also our schoolmate and my good friend.

(Wouldn’t it be nice if all four of us schoolmates got together? Hehehe. Keep on berangan lah Ain!!)

So then Mr K made me admit that I still have the HOTS for Mr Z. Yes! I do!

But I told Mr K its only gonna be a one sided thing and things can not possibly work out coz as far as I know, Mr Z is engaged. The last time I saw him at the gym he said he’s gonna get married in 2010.

And Mr K said,”Try to talk to Mr Z. Things will work out. Things are not like what you know, what you see and what you heard. Talk to Mr Z and find out.”

Oh well. Of course I didn’t attempt what Mr K told me to. I just brushed it off. I’m too shy to strike up a casual conversation with Mr Z. Somehow, Mr Z gives me the heebie-jeebies. LoL!

So… That was on the Tuesday. And on the Thursday, I met Dian and her friends to this place at Aljunied. And I was just telling Dian that I couldn’t find any familiar face around. Just as I said that, I turned around and saw him walking towards my direction. Yes! Mr Z! I immediately muttered, “Hey. Mr Z!”

This was replied by Mr Z with a ‘Call me’ gesture. And when Mr Z has gone down the lift, I grabbed hold of Dian, my knees weak, my hands shivering, my mind blank and I am oh so nervous. Shucks! Why must this happen to me every single time I see him? Ergh! Hate myself. LoL!

So… I got down with Dian, impatient to give him a call. But to my surprise, as I took out my phone to ring him, I saw a 3 missed calls from him! Wow! Before I could even call him, he already did. Superb! Hahaha. So we yakked a lil on the phone, before he said he gotta go. He was still around the area so I called him to ask about some concerns. (nothing to do about us hokay. Strictly general questions.) So he called me back and we met up and when I was walking towards him, I can really feel my knees going wobbly! Hahaha. There he was, in front of me, the same tall, dark and handsome guy I used to know. My Oh My! He could just melt me away at that moment itself. But, I believe I concealed all the emotions well. I didn’t let it be so obvious. LoL!

And when I was talking to him, it felt so surreal, so amazing and like I’m dreaming. His eyes gazing at me was the sexiest thing ever. From then in the school days till now, I still am very much enchanted by his beautiful eyes. Ahhh… ;) As I looked up at him, I said to myself, “Handsomenya kau…”

Before we parted, he asked me how I’m getting home. Seriously, at that point of time, I don’t know. I was to go home by cab prolly. It was nice of him to ask me. But his friend is so kacau daun. Maybe if his friend is not tumpang-ing him at time, he would have sent me home perhaps? LoL!

Yah. So I got home, and I couldn’t sleep the whole night! I slept at 5.30am only to wake up at 8am. I kept thinking and smiling when I think of him. Oh gosh! Somebody need to slap me hard! LoL! When I went online the moment I got home, I logged in FB in the hope to see him online, but what I received was way better. I got a  “You’re Cute” request from him. Yay!

Am just wondering if he is feeling the same way as I am. -____-

The next day, I logged in to FB, he’s online! Chatted a while before he asked me to call him. Well, convo started about our common interest, but slowly moved on to a lighter and more personal one. How I missed his voice! We even bet on who’s gonna get their driving licence first and we settled on March 2010. The loser has to rent a car for the winner and pay for all expenses for the whole day. I so can’t wait! I just hope he remembers this bet. Rest assured, I will remind him!! LoL!

Whatever it is that I have or gonna be having with him, I’m gonna treasure it all. I’m not gonna commit the same mistake as I did before. To fall in love so deeply with someone, gave my 101% trust, commitment and love only to be fooled and disappointed. I don’t want the same thing to happen again. I’m taking this slow and steady though I can’t deny the anxiety and excitement burning in me. Its too early for me to say anything. We’ve just talked. I don’t wanna blow my chance away.

Even if he is still engaged, having him as my friend is more than good enough for me. I’ll treasure this guy for life. Coz after all, he’s my first love. First love will always be remembered and last forever.

If ever I get reunited with my first love again, its so gonna be a beautiful fairytale story. I can just hope for a happy ending. ;)

 

 

 

I is back!!!

 

Yay!! I’m alive again! Err... Literally. Hehehe. ;)

 

Alhamdulillah, since I’ve been missing, things are falling into place one by one. I’m glad.

Thanks to my hard work and patience, I’ve now achieved my one true ambition: Being a teacher.

 

Oh wow! Words can’t describe how grateful I am to be here. Teaching here at Hwa Chong Institution has really been a blessing, minus the bunch of hooligans and rascals I have to face in class each time. Real pain in the neck! Hahaha. Other than that, everything else is doing real fine. Alhamdulillah.

 

Hmmm. So yah. I’ve deleted ALL of my previous entries. A whole lot of ‘em. Just coz they don’t mean anything to me now. They’re all history. I’m starting afresh. It’s a brand new me now. Don’t wanna cling on to that past no more. Like my background is saying, I was trapped in the past for too long. Its time for me to let go.

 

And boy, am I glad just to do that! Phew!

 

Soon, it’ll be fasting month and then raya. That means one thing: Kaching! Kaching!!

Oh gosh! All those blue, purple, green and red thingy are gonna be flying away! *faints!*

 

Ok. On a happier note, somebody just added me on Facebook. And I am oh-so-happy just to add him. Coz its an old flame! Argh!!!

 

I just reactivated my Facebook and then I saw a friend request by him! *faints again*

 

I just can’t get over this guy. No matter what. I don’t know why. The last time I saw him was at Yishun Gym and I was so dumbfounded then that I just stared at him while we exchanged a word or two. Haha. He’s still the same tall, dark and handsome guy I know. *faints twice*

 

Just the sight of him can gimme the heebie-jeebies and set the butterflies inmy tummy. I think I’m having a crush on him again. Can somebody slap me? LoL!

 

But too bad, cannot kacau. Coz I know he got tunang already. ;(

Hmm…something funny tho. I saw his Facebook profile and his status is: Single.

 

Entah lah. Maybe he forgot to change his status? I don’t know.

 

But of course, given the chance, I’d so love to date him again. Hehehehe. ;)

 

Gonna go for late lunch now. Been hiding here in the empty classroom for almost an hour already. Hahaha.